I am so, completely, utterly finished.

I told Tucker I was coming today to pick up Charlene (formerly OUR pet rat, before the break-up) and I told him I'd do it early. Completely,completely, completely unsuspecting, I open his door...its three weeks after we ended our three year relationship. He's in his bed, which reeks of alcohol and pot, with his ex-fuckbuddy laying on his chest.

All of a sudden, I freaked out. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't swallow, I couldn't see...things got speckly black and I almost passed out. I had to hang on to his shirt so I didn't fall down the steps when he came out of his room. All I could say was "Fuck. Oh my god. I'm so so sorry."

But I wasn't sorry, at all, for him or what I'd done to him. I was devistated...I am devistated. I immediately thought to myself: oh my god, I'm gonna need therapy or something. I felt like if I cried it would just be my attempt at dramatizing something that was inevitable, but I got in the car and started sobbing.

Then, I saw Ryan, Pearn (whom I haven't seen in YEARS), and met Pearn's new gf who is awesome. That made me feel tons better...saw Ryan's new house that he's fixing up and its really nice. Smoked more Swisher Sweet cigars than I can count.

Then I get back and see that the guy I'm dating or whatever is all about some other girl.

Seriously, I should just become a hermit and never talk to anyone ever again.

Except Britty, who I'll see when she gets off work tonight. I hope she makes things better. I miss her so much

I can't help thinking about what was supposed to be happening now, although I know Ishouldn't be so down about it. What's done is done, but hopes last for so long, even after you want so badly to be finished...I can only remember the good now. I can't even remember the shit that seemed neverending then.Things just aren't the same and it makes me miss everything...what was my entire life for almost three years, so badly. I can't see a movie, pull the electric blanket over my shoulders, drive down 328, listen to Bob Dylan, think about going to the beach this year, take a deep breath, get in the Caprice, put on my flip flops, cry...without feeling it. How am I going to see my friends this summer when they're all friends with yours? Even talking to Tye kills me... I get this knot in my throat and my head starts pounding over my eyebrows and my stomach shoves into my chest and then I don't know where I am any more. And I think maybe I'm crazy.

And now I have to go to Blockbuster and pay our late fee from last year.

The other night before drinking rum and after discussing our planned movement towards Buddhism, Andy said, "At least you're done with him forever."

So, yeah, I am, in a literal never-to-be-seen-again sense. But fuck. I wish I could give up on this as easily as everything else.

Current Location: Letts 434
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Jewel lol soo cheese but whateva